You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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