thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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