this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
