happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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