i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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