hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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