Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
