They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
