Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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