marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
