Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
