im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
