She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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