My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
