i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
