It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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