I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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