i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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