He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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