bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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