They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
