It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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