I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
