She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
