remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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