Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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