i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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