The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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