All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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