I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
