Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
