He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
