you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
