you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
