every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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