I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize