walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
