Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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