Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize