Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
