I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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