Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
