you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
