Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
