There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
