where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
