Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so explain again why im purple
no
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
