I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
