Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
