my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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