how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
