Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
