i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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