The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How external is "for external use only"?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize