i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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