So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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