just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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