Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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