I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
