the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
