phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
