Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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