Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
