I am puke
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
